if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Banned from zoo.
Again?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
