i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
