Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
