I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
