I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
