I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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