I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
