Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
