so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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