I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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