my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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