Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
