You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
