Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Girls should come with a carfax report
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
