Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
