i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
