dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
