So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
