I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
