You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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