history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
