So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
