I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
