What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Randomize
