About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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