I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
