not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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