Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
