I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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