just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
