John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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