you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
