If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
