i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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