This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
