i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
