remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
