somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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