She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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