The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i already hear my dad disowning me
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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