My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
