idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
not ubering you a puppy
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
