and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
