sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
