i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
