i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
