I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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