We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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