You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
