Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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