that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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