Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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