piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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