I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
