ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
