when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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